By Adam Slight
Have you ever speculated what the world would be like if superheroes existed? Have you ever speculated what Ottawa would be like if it was the home to superheroes and villains? I obviously have a lot of time on my hands, because I certainly have.
If Ottawa were the home to superheroes and villains, this is what they would most likely be:
The Byward Bandito:
This mysterious figure passes through the shadows of the Byward Market, protecting the defenseless and trying to prevent crack-heads from breaking into your car and emptying your ash-tray (he knows it is an uphill battle). Little is known of the Byward Bandito’s origins, while the Ottawa Police have offered cash rewards for anyone who has any information that could lead to this noble vigilante’s downfall.
Powers: Stealth, martial arts, and an array of crime-fighting gadgets.
The Diplomats are an organization of super-humans dedicated extreme crime-fighting through policy-making. They spend hours in their secret headquarters battling poorly conceived parliamentary bills. Their superpowers include research and technical writing skills, as well as hyper-paper-shredding. Their stealth jet, Can-Goose1 makes regular trips to embassies around the world.
Weakenesses: Red tape, bureaucratic procedure
Kanata-tron was built by a group of Carleton University engineering students as their thesis project. Its prime directive was clear: Bring justice to Ottawa’s suburban sprawl. However, the students were not prepared for Kanata-tron to become self-aware and break free of the Mackenzie Building lab in which he was built. Kanat-tron can be spotting patrolling Terry Fox Drive and Orleans, stopping college kids from driving their mom’s car without permission. Unfortunately Kanata-tron’s creators were unable to present Kanata-tron to their professor, so they failed their degrees.
Weapon Arsenal: Suburban camouflage, morning commute jet boosters
Billy Fields was just your average Sandy Hill student resident who was dumped by his girlfriend. In an angsty fury, Billy went to the Ottawa River to skip stones when he became exposed to 267 000 cubic meters of nuclear waste floating down the river. After suffering from severe radiation poisoning, Billy began to develop unusual powers including super-strength, super-speed, and super-agility. Compounding his new-found powers with his post-breakup angst, Rideau-stroyer has become a formidable evil force in Ottawa.
Sidekick: The Gatineau Goblin (a clubber from Gatineau exposed to a devastating mix of spray-tan, silicon, and hair bleach) – Not affiliated with The Glebe Gobbler
Little is known of the Sussexecutioner except that she travels on the OC Transpo at night, ensnaring obnoxiously drunk student passengers. While many agree with the Sussexecutor’s cause, most don’t agree with her methods. Algonquin College has issued a statement urging obnoxiously drunk students to stay indoors lest they become ensnared on the 95 Fallowfield/Orleans by this enigmatic figure.
Arch-Nemesis: Captain Barrhaven
Minister Prime represents the evilest of all evil super-villains in Ottawa. His true identity is unknown, but it is rumoured that this crime lord actually holds an influential position in Canadian parliament. He uses this position to further his criminal agenda, authorizing the production of excessive military equipment, strongholds for incarceration, and corporate fundraising.
Favourite musician: Katy Perry
But I don’t think I’ve covered them all. What Ottawa superheroes have I missed? Tell me in the comments section below: