By Adam Slight
You may have considered this problem before: There is an outbreak of flesh-eating zombies. What will you do?
While there are some obvious choices to make in such a scenario—Where will I go? What guns will I bring? Would I shoot my best friend if they were bit?—given recent events in Florida, I don’t think it is excessively cautious to draw up some more concrete strategies in case of a zombie apocalypse.
This guide is our contribution to the discourse.
1. Cut off Gatineau
I think the safest bet would be to blow up any bridges connecting Ottawa to Gatineau. Using the Ottawa River as a barrier, we will effectively cut the potential number of French zombies we’d be dealing with. “Les cerveauuuxxx….”
2. Stay out of the Rideau Center
Most zombie fiction illustrates shopping centers as an ideal place to hole up and wait out a zombie apocalypse. It makes sense. Shopping Centers are large, very secure, and have enough supplies for you to survive. Personally, I would recommend against this wisdom in Ottawa. The reason is simple: Ottawa’s shopping centers are full of enough zombies as it is. The Rideau Center is nearly impossible to navigate without getting trapped behind the mindless masses of shoppers, dragging their lifeless bodies through the mall. Blood thirsty teenie-boppers are everywhere. This environment could only be a death trap if real zombies were to ever invade.
3. Consider Hiding in The Glebe
We are recommending The Glebe as the most ideal place to hide during a zombie apocalypse in Ottawa. While The Glebe lacks secure shelters and weaponry, I expect the zombies there would be quite docile. It is said that the character of a zombie reflects the person as they were in life. If this is in fact true, many Glebe zombies will be:
c) Hungry for flax seeds and organic leek extract
In other words, they will be of little-to-no threat—that is, unless they learn how to ride one-speed bicycles. Then we’re dead.
4. Lure the Zombies to the Parliament Hill Mosaik Sound & Light Show
Every summer there is a very fascinating sound & light show that takes place on Parliament Hill. If you haven’t seen it, the show is basically a 30-minute movie about Canada’s history that is projected onto the face of the parliament buildings. Thousands flock to Parliament Hill every night in the summer to watch it. These tourists would serve as effective bait in luring hoards of zombies into one concentrated location. After the zombies have finished devouring the flesh of these tourists, they will likely be lulled to sleep in front of the hypnotic images dancing across our parliamentary house. This would be an opportune moment to detonate the explosives that we would plant underneath the hill, obliterating the zombie threat.
You’ll need to find a gun. Luckily, there are guns everywhere in Ottawa!! Every OC Transpo driver has a shotgun hidden under the dashboard. Maybe hop into a bus, strap on some chain saws, and wreak some havoc!! Kick over some national monuments, crash through some heritage sites—its anarchy!!
Quick, find your friends. What!? Your friends were in the Carleton University tunnels during the outbreak? Its too late for them now… Time to climb the Peace Tower—the only place they won’t find us—what?! They’re already here! Remember. Aim for the head. POW! Ahhhh! Capoaaaaooooooooooowww!!!
- June 13, 2012
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